Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner – A Comprehensive Review of Toxic Relationships
In 1949, an immaculately dressed and incredibly handsome couple left a swanky house party in Palm Springs, California. They were both stone drunk, laughing, carrying a bottle, and they couldn't keep their hands off each other. The couple climbed into a boxy Cadillac, put the pedal to the metal, and staggered off into the night. Eventually, they would swerve their way into a small town called Indio, which is about 30 minutes from Palm Springs.
They parked the caddy on the main street, wobbled out of the car, and started making out under the stars. Between kisses and swigs liquor, the man reached into his Cadillac glove box and came out with a 38 Smith and Wesson revolver. He smiled, aimed at a street light, and pulled the trigger. The light exploded, and then he shot another. By all accounts, the woman asked if she could shoot something, so he brought out another gun from the glove box and handed it to her.
She shot first at the sky wildly, then she aimed and fired at a hardware store. After breaking some windows and lights, the pair got back in the caddy and took off. But they didn't get far before they heard sirens. The two were pulled over, and a couple of cops got out of their squad car with their guns drawn. What the cops found in the front seat surprised them both. The pair of drunk joyriders were none other than Frank Sinatra and Ava Garner.
The police may have been surprised, but they carried out a formal arrest. Hours later, a publicist arrived by plane with a big black bag, which was given directly to the cops. According to Ava Gardner, all paperwork for this arrest mysteriously went missing, and the two small-town police got an early, comfortable retirement. Shooting up the town was just the first of many strange incidents between Sinatra and Gardner, who would soon marry and remain married for six wild, chaotic, bloody years in a relationship we can now confidently label as toxic.
In May of 2020, this podcast launched its maiden episode. We started with the most interesting self-awareness subject we could think of, a topic that composes the bulk of all great soap operas, docudramas, and HBO original shows: toxic relationships. We're fascinated by them, drawn to them, and we can't stop watching them. In our original episode, we tried to shine a light on them, but over time Joe and I became a little less satisfied with how the episode turned out. It was rich and dense, but we felt like we could do it a little more justice. Now that we have a bit more experience, and not to mention studio walls, we want to look at toxin relationships again. And this time, we will be busting some new myths.
Myth 1: The heart wants what the heart wants, and we have no say in who we are attracted to.
How do we identify toxic people? The term ‘toxic relationship’ or ‘toxic people’ was coined, and what I found was a California-based Communications and Psychology expert named Dr. Lillian Glass. In her book, she defines toxic relationships are any relationship where people don't support each other, there is conflict, and each other seeks to undermine the other. Furthermore, she said that it is when there is unhealthy competition, disrespect, and a lack of cohesiveness.
We talked that you can literally be an astronaut during our attraction episode, and at that point, you're limited to other astronauts. So, it must be similar to Frank and Ava, where they're both in such a stratosphere that alone to them means alone, or alone with people who are lesser than. Now, we had in the original toxic relationship episode the familiarity principle. In that episode, we talked that it's not just obvious stuff like alcoholism that, such as if you come from a family where they criticized a lot, that can carry over into adulthood and make you make it to where it's typical behavior to you. Thus, it is attractive when you see that again in life, even if it is toxic.
We also talked in prior episodes about manipulation, which we are introducing to this episode. There are types of manipulators, and this comes from a Time Article, and they talk about how there are bully manipulators and victim manipulators. Both of those can seem familiar. After getting into Sinatra and Gardener, I realized that Sinatra would oftentimes play the victim, and he would make Gardener feel bad for him. And that is a repeating sort of behavior that usually comes from your family. That is exactly the concept of Familiarity of Attraction. Suppose you encounter a negative behavior in somebody, such as a romantic partner or a boss you are attracted to. In that case, you should be looking at what is familiar to you from your own family. And what's familiar to them from their family because you two might be repeating and enjoying behaviors that otherwise are negative.
Myth 2: Are there warning signs that we are in a toxic relationship or in a doomed relationship? If there is, what do they look like?
From an outsider, it can be pretty easy to spot a toxic relationship. But if you are in it, the signs may be hard to see, even if you know there is turmoil. There is a good chance that Sinatra and Garner kept telling themselves that it may be stormy now, but it will get better. We have potential, we're married, and we have loved this long and can keep doing it. Because of this, we're going to talk about the signs of a toxic relationship. Some of these were in the original episode, and some of them are new. The biggest one is disgust and contempt. This comes from really well-known research and has been famous in the academic world because Dr. Gottman basically invented the idea of micro-expressions. This is when you go beyond the annoying things and go into disgust.
We're looking at what you can spot with science that will accurately determine whether or not the relationship is going to last. One of Dr. Gottman’s most famous studies was when they took snapshots of couples' faces while trying to solve problems or have a challenging discussion. They found out that if the micro-expression of contempt showed up too many times, it was a sure sign that they would be divorced or split. In fact, he could predict with 94% accuracy that a couple would get divorced if he saw it. As for Frank and Ava, they may have loved each other, but they couldn't have been happy with each other's behavior. The negative emotions can be just as familiar and go unnoticed by us because we're attracted.
Another thing that Science Daily lists is low self-esteem partners. These are people who put in the work, who make the most sacrifice, and they end up regretting it. They feel less supported, especially after they sacrifice for a partner who does not recognize it. If you have low self-esteem, you're more likely to put in the extra work, and you're more likely to have more significant regrets afterward.
The last one is that having low self-esteem also makes you derive your worth from your relationship instead of providing worth to the relationship. This comes from Psychology Today, and they talked about relationship contingent self-esteem that you get defensive if anyone criticizes your relationship or the problems. As a result, your relationship stops growing because they view criticism of any kind as unfavorable. But like anything, a little bit of constructive criticism can make something stronger, and that includes a toxic relationship.
Myth 3: Once in a toxic relationship, it's too late. There's nothing you can do to make it healthy again. Or is there?
I think our goal has eventually transformed to provide a little bit of 'know-how' by the end. We want to help you be more self-aware every time we conclude, so for this part, we want to talk about how to salvage a toxic relationship.
Once you realize that you are in one, you can look at how to salvage. One of the ideal ones is the golden ratio by Gottman and Levenson. We've talked about this in the original episode, and it has come up multiple episodes now. This came from the 1970s, and they did a study where they sat down a couple and gave them a conflict to solve in 15 minutes. Then they went back and taped the couple. After carefully reviewing the tapes, they would follow up with them nine years later and found out that they could predict after watching these tapes with over 90% accuracy whether or not they would still be together. In this study, they found that a ratio of five positive expressions for every one negative can make a relationship healthy. You don't have to have a notepad in your pocket, you know, tallying it up. You just need to be aware that that ratio exists.
I found another elegant study about cheating and toxic relationships. Have you ever heard the term “Seven Year Itch?” There's a Scientific American article that talks about the biological basis for the seven-year itch. I thought the study was great, and it explains why some relationships start turning toxic after you've been in them for a long time, specifically seven years when love turns to hate. It's because after seven years, you know each other too well. Things you once thought were cute in the beginning now annoy you.
Another key player is kids as well. In early man, when a kid reaches about four years old, they are less likely to be vulnerable against threats, etc. So, what this boils down to is that you guys get together and have kids, and once that kid hits four or five, they can take instructions. They can be told to follow closely and can begin walking and moving on their own. So yeah, there's potentially a scientific basis for why we get antsy four to seven years because you do not have to focus all your time on them as much anymore. Now that's not permitting people to cheat or divorce, but know that there might be a little bit of science behind this. Research shows that there are certain age milestones where everybody tends to get divorced if unstable, and the data is a little too common for it to be a coincidence.
Final Thoughts
Six months ago, The Re-Engineered You told you that mindfulness and awareness are your best advantage against ending up in a dysfunctional relationship. And it's just as accurate today as it's ever been. You do not have to get locked in a toxic pattern of dysfunction. You can avoid repeating abuse, pain, or neglect by recognizing your attraction and what familiar traits you are drawn to and subvert a toxic outcome. It's in your power to see and change the ways you engage in romantic relationships.
Try to recognize early when negative communication slips into your regular conversation. Monitor yourself and your partner to see if you are deriving your worth from the relationship status and not from each other. And if you find yourself sacrificing more for the other person and feel let down by their lack of support return, you may want to look at your own self-esteem.
Lastly, if you recognize the signs of a toxic relationship but you absolutely cannot let go of your own Ava Gardner or Frank Sinatra, practice the golden ratio. Monitor yourself, monitor your negative interactions, and for every criticism, insult, or angry remark you let slip out, try to couple it with five positives. Even if you have to get those in like Sinatra, repeat it over the phone - I love you, I love you, I love you.