The Mademoiselle Tirevit Hot Air Balloon Duel and Holding Grudges
In 1808, one of the strangest sights occurred over Paris. It involved two men, Monsieur de Grandpré and Monsieur de Pique, who were fighting for the heart of Mademoiselle Tirevit, a renowned dancer at the Paris Opera.
These men took a month to build their own identical hot air balloons, ascended into the air about 900 yards, and took a shot at each other’s balloon with a blunderbuss 80 yards from one another. Per the Irish Code Duello, they were not allowed to shoot at each other, just the balloon, and each had their best friend with them, so neither would have to die alone. As a result, one unlucky man lost, falling from the sky to his death with his best friend going down with him.
But what on earth could cause someone to hate another person so much that they would be willing to duel over it? The answer is grudges.
How Toxic Is Hatred and holding grudges?
Take a moment to think about someone you really hate in your life and picture them in front of you. How do you feel? If you feel as though you are reliving the moment they betrayed you, you are experiencing one of the main side effects of holding a grudge.
There are such things as short-term grudges. For instance, someone flips you off as you are driving, or honks their horn at you. These circumstances can produce cortisol in your blood, get your adrenaline pumping, and lower your oxytocin levels. But what makes this feeling turn long term is not being able to let it go. When you relive a moment over and over again, all you are doing is hitting the reset button, which inevitably produces all those unwanted hormone reactions all over again each time. According to a Freakonomics article, when you do this, you refresh that adverse event again and relive it. In addition, if you are not careful, you can also spread that grudge over to others through your storytelling.
One critical long-term side effect of this includes heightening physical pain not related to the grudge, such as chronic back pain. So being able to let that grudge go is fundamental to your overall health.
Myth 1: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold
The primary reason why it is so hard to let go of a grudge is, according to Gizmodo, you get caught in a cycle of wanting the other side to recognize that they are wrong. You want the reward for them “owning up” to their mistake. You, in a sense, want revenge. But that is not the way to overcome your hatred. The problem is that most of the time, situations don’t play out the way you want them to, and in the end, you are just hurting yourself.
Remember, the real loser is the one with the cortisol in their body.
Myth 2: Tribalism and Hatred are Natural Human States
As strange as it may sound, yes, grudges are a natural and common occurrence. Chips and even crows show grudge behaviors. In fact, it is so natural that people who partake in a functional MRI, show highlighted areas of the brain clearly. In Scientific American, Origin of Hatred, they also found that those who talked about their grudges would have scans light up in the same area as love is stored. This means that animosity, hate, and love are very closely related.
On another note, Dunbar’s number, stating that 150 is your cognitive limit for how many people you can hold relationships within your mind, applies here as well. For example, fear hatred (i.e., hating spiders) does not occupy the same space in your brain as grudges do. Grudges are found in the Dunbar number area, which indicates that to hold a grudge, you must have a relationship of some kind with a real person in your life. All the more reason why love and hate are so closely related.
Can You Be Wired to Grudge?
The short answer is yes; some people are more hardwired to hold grudges than others. This can be caused by medical issues, such as on Hippel-Lindau disease, or even intermittent explosive disorder, which essentially is a diagnosis for those who are shorter tempered and hot-headed. It is estimated that 7% of the American adult population has this disorder.
How to Forgive
Forgiveness is not about the other person; it is about you and giving yourself the ability to move forward. Do it for yourself. Using the wise words of Fred Luskin, he lists out very valuable ways that you can learn to let go of grudges that are doing nothing but harming you. Some on his list include:
· Make a commitment to yourself to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and no one else.
· Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the person who upset you or condoning the action. In forgiveness, you seek the peace and understanding that come from blaming people less after they offend you and taking those offenses less personally.
· At the moment you feel upset, practice stress management to soothe your body’s fight or flight response.
· Amend the way you look at your past, so you remind yourself of your heroic choice to forgive.
Final Thoughts
Monsieur de Pique and his friend plummeted to their deaths in 1808 after he missed his shot. Monsieur de Grandpré was so excited that he even did a victory lap in his air balloon.
If you desire to take our revenge, just remember how badly it can foster a negative mental state. It can increase your cortisol, which means you are slowly positioning your body. Give yourself the advantage by forgiving. Break away from the grudge cycle, and if you need help to get there, leverage the tips above to support you.
Forgive, practice stress management, see yourself a hero for forgiving, and never let your grudge get so bad that you think shooting someone out of the sky sounds like an acceptable plan.
Todd Lemense